My brother and his wife are coming to visit this week. I love them. My brother took care of me when I was a baby. Then we were separated when I was two. When I met him again a few years later, he cried because I did not remember him.
No, we have not been close. I have been a life-long hippie and he has been a lifelong - hey, I am not sure what! But politically, I support taxing the rich and he, rich, supports not doing so. According to him, making him pay more taxes is the equivalent of charging him more for bread and he has a long explanation to support that stance. My response is that when we all have bread, we can talk about that.
I promised my brother long ago not to ever ask him for money and in return all I want is for him to let me be his sister and stop holding me at arm's length for fear that - gasp - I may want something from him. I have held up my end of the bargain, altho it is a strange thing to have a quite wealthy brother and to have this understanding - and such disparity in my own family, such that it is. To be fair, my brother and his wife are quite generous in certain ways. They have given a lot to help people obtain higher education. At one point they gave all of their siblings, myself included, a sum of money as our "early" inheritance. Strangely, it came in increments and I never received the last bit of mine, leaving me in a quandary... is asking for what I was promised asking for money? So, reluctantly, I mentioned it... and was still left short! 15 years later... and still I think about it. This makes me realize how it must feel to be in my brother's position - with people calculating what "he owes them".
Here are the things I fret over and endeavor to resolve as the visit approaches:
1) How can I explain to him that I believe in working together as a country for a solid infrastructure, for health and education for all, for clean air, clean water, renewable energy - without arguing, without being summarily dismissed, without angering him? More importantly, without becoming angry or dismissive.
2) If he were not my brother, how would we feel about each other? How can we get to know each other better and maintain that thread of family bond which has been so tenuously stretched through early childhood events and a subsequent lifetime of misunderstanding and neglect?
3) We disagree in another area too. My brother is pretty darn sexist. I often find his comments offensive. Rather than retaliating when, for instance, he proudly proclaims that a proper woman should have small breasts (mine are astonishingly humongous, as I age) how can I maintain my "Ram Dass" serenity?
4) How can I prevent my husband from blurting out what we paid for any particular item and why should I need to do that? I am almost 60 years old and here is my brother continuing to chastise me for "spending money foolishly". Does a sibling, even a remotely connected sibling ever allow "the baby of the family" to be an adult? Ok, seriously, that would be up to me, right? To allow myself. I know! My brother can be himself and I can be me and my husband can be himself! Ah.... there now!
5) How can my brother and I simply love and accept each other? I don't need to meet his criteria of beauty or political savvy or wealth. He does not need to meet my criteria of - ah... but here is where I struggle... I do hold him up to the light of scrutiny in these areas: Compassion, sexism, arrogance, yes, also generosity. So... hey, thanks, people, I am glad we had this little chat. Here I go, then, to envision my brother in pure light.
Hmm... encountering some resistance here...
Ah.... now I realize the most important question is:
How very fortunate am I to have this fine brother despite all our early life turmoils and how wonderful is it that, despite our differences he and his wife are coming to visit us? What can I offer in the way of support and love? How can I make this the very best sort of visit possible for all of us?
